My life is like a drama on TV when I look back on it.
It has its highs and lows, and to be honest, most of the years I've been on this planet were filled with lows. I documented a lot, but threw it all away. The holiday pictures, the family memories will remain the same, but my diary, my story, and the way I was talking to myself were not readable anymore. I didn't want to look at it and see that I wrote a full box of paper filled with negative stuff, which made me cry.
Why was I talking to myself this way? Because others also did this to me.
I believed it was me, I wasn't worthy to be alive, to be in the here and now, and that my body caused that.
However, my illness made me look through other glasses to life. It helped me, for a second, to step out of that negative environment, away from all of the people who smashed their sh*t in my face, who didn't think of how it harmed me, how it made me look at myself, how it caused an illness that pulled me almost to death.
I'm glad I had the chance to make a change, not only to transform my life, but also to transform myself. If there's one thing I want to prove, it's to myself that I'm stronger than the negativity of others, that I'm capable of stepping into my power, overcoming my fears, doing things others don't do, or dare to do. And finally, I'm surrounded by people who don't judge the way you look, but really see you as the person you are: on the inside, by the heart.
Your story is worthy of sharing, your path is worthy of being crafted being documented, to show to yourself, and to show the world that what you set your mind to is achievable.
No matter what.
So start being you, start shining your light, and empowering the belief that's there inside.
And with shining your light, you'll become magnetic, you'll inspire others, you may share so much love that you grow as a human into social connections, building relationships, and being that massive support for so many others. But even when this all is a positive and wonderful change within yourself, something at the back of your mind can keep on holding you back.
I felt over the last months the pressure to show myself, to show that I was going to become another person, to step away from the 'eating disorder recovery' world, and to speak to others about mental health in a broader perspective. However, the way I was running was not very healthy. Not mentally nor physically. I slept just 3 hours for a couple of months, and while I was learning so much, implementing, taking action, and helping loved ones to improve their health, I ran next to my own shoes. I needed to stop for a moment, look at myself, and consider what I was doing.
Is this going to last long?
I got to sit with myself, to ask myself why I was so obsessed with this business, why I desperately wanted to prove myself to others, and why I wanted to change my life. The moment I got really deep, on that one evening when I sat on the couch, the tears rolled down my cheeks. It's not that difficult, it's not a full-page story, but a tiny, simple-sounding reason why I ran so hard:
I wanted to BE ME
I stopped running and faced what I was scared of. I have always been running for someone else, not knowing where it will guide me to, but now I'm running towards a massive vision, a goal to prove others... And that's where I needed to stop.
I don't need to prove myself to others.
I need to stay close to myself, to my heart, share who I am, and create a group of people, an environment around me that gives me the space and the acceptance to be who I truly am. And in that moment, of BEING, and owning that I am who I am, I'll be the person that's running towards her vision.
Not next to her shoes, but barefoot, and with whole her heart.
Run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal
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