Stubbornly confident

All quite strong thoughts if you look at them from a further perspective. I have always been someone who figured things out on her own. I used to do that because I felt lonely throughout my childhood and when I became a teenager. Nobody wanted to support me because I didn't fit the 'ideal image' society created. I didn't have any friends, so I took full responsibility for the tasks and things I had to do. Especially at school, I didn't want to work in groups. I wanted to figure things out myself and get the reward, because I already knew that the most popular people in class would let me do the job. 

Over the years, this resulted in me being quite stubborn. I recovered from my mental illness, but with that also built a pretty strong mindset and behaviour that I could do things on my own and don't want any help. I didn't let anybody in my zone because it felt unsafe, and I was scared of being ostracized, teased, and pushed on the side afterwards again. 

However, now that I'm building my own business, I know there are enough tools, training systems, files, documents, books, and podcasts to take advantage of and dive deeper into the resources myself. But still I can't do this on my own, because it's something totally different than what I've ever done in my life. Building a business, finally finding my authentic self, and having the guts to come out with it, is not as easy as it seems.

I'm a geek when it comes to learning new things, and I'm obsessed with this business because I see the true potential and how I can create solutions to help others, and with that, also live a meaningful life with passion and exploration. But I can't do it all alone, and that's what hit me when I attended our community event. The facts are telling me that I also may rely on my upline, the leaders, the ones who are already quite a bit longer in the business.

They know what worked for them and what did not. They have experience with trying, failing forward, having success, and massive results. I, as a beginner, and as eager to learn as I am, may ask for help, support, and someone to talk to, and see that as a learning phase too.

It's quite tough for me, because I feel like I need to do it all on my own, that I don't want to rely on someone else too much, but I also feel that I must be open and honest with myself, that it's okay to seek for some support, and get to know what others think and learn from them. 

However, I'm not always that kind of stubborn when it comes to really stepping up for myself in public. Still, there's a small voice inside of me that says that I should listen to others to keep holding a certain kind of friendship with them. Well, to stay in the 'friend zone', as I may state it, like that. It's not that I do this always, and I figure things out quite often on my own, but when someone with a higher rank, a stronger voice, a more out-reached message speaks to me or takes things out of my hands, it's another story.

I feel tiny, I lose my confidence and step into the smaller girl that's inside of me, because I don't want to be rejected, I don't want to interrupt others, or feel like I stand in the way. It's a two-sided fight sometimes, but they're both part of me.

And because of those parts that are there within myself, in certain kinds of situations, they mix up with each other, and I am surprised by how I deal with it. For example, when I got the microphone pushed into my hands twice at the UnfoldYourFreedom event, without me knowing this beforehand. I could have been preparing myself when the speakers asked for someone to step up and share their story, but that would have caused me a lot of shivers, nerves, and a raised heartbeat. 

Now, I got asked within a split second to take the microphone and share my vision or answer a question, without me knowing anything about it. I couldn't prepare myself for this situation, but it was caused by the fact that I also couldn't fear myself from speaking in front of 200+ people, I didn't sweat from nerves or stumble over my words, because it was an immediate action. And with that, I surprised myself, which created more self-belief for the future. 

Those situations make me feel proud, but also doubt about the fact that I can really make it to be a top leader too, be comfortable on stage and give a whole speech to a big group of people too. I know now I can do this, but can I really? 

Again, there's the mix of: I can do it on my own & Well, let's step back and make myself tiny so others will do better than me.

A thing to work on for sure, to find balance within myself and the things that I do. 

Being stubborn is a virtue when you're right; it's only a character flaw when you're wrong