11 November
It's already evening when I'm writing this, after I've been to the bar for a mango smoothie. After I had the drink, I went back to my room, lay on the bed, and slept for about an hour. When I woke up, I felt significantly better than before, stable and no longer limited and restrictive in my mind. Luckily.
I'm really grateful for my mom, my dad, and my family, who are all supporting and following me while I'm here. Yes, I'm on my own, and especially this morning, it was quite tough, because I know there's a time difference of 6 hours, which means I'm ahead of them. So, if I reach out in the morning (for me), barely anyone would see my message while they're sleeping. However, they give me so much support, because they also know that I'm struggling with myself sometimes.
In the end, it was 16:38 when I woke up. I dressed myself, put on a podcast, and walked to the supermarket to get some fruit for the evening. The amount of watermelon that I got there for $1 is insane. For the same amount, you pay 4 euros here in the Netherlands. While it's the other way around with fruits like apples and pears. After buying some watermelon, I turned back to the resort, put on another pants, some lip gloss, turned on the podcast again, and went out for dinner.
I had already been looking for a spot to eat, but when I read the reviews and saw the pictures and the prices on the menu, my shitty money mindset was blocking me from going there. Honestly, it wasn't expensive, but in comparison with other restaurants around here, it was way more luxurious than the other sites.
I had to stop myself by thinking this way and seeing the situation through another lens, a challenge to take, and feel uncomfortable in this limited mindset, and see what's happening if I act against it. What I also have to say is that I didn't really eat a proper amount of carbs over the past days, and especially with the high temperature, I can't live only on vegetables, water, and fruits. I felt it, my body screamed to eat something more dense, and my mom also told me the same when texting me. She strengthened me, I pushed myself, went to the restaurant, which I thought about was too expensive (but literally not, of course) in the first place, and ordered a double sandwich with roasted vegetables and hummus. Beforehand, I would have freaked out, being scared and having the urge to 'undo' it in a certain kind of way. Next to that, I had a pot of ginger-turmeric tea to increase my energetic level, and I felt so good, fueled, and back in the game.
While I was sitting there, my mind started creating ideas, content, and gave me massive insights. I felt way more confident in my way of speaking to others, the way I looked at myself, and my self-belief. I didn't only act against my anxieties, but also showed myself that I could listen to my body, while nothing bad was going to happen, and that taking rest, eating properly, and listening to my body gives me so much more than rejecting it and trying to push it away.
In the end, I didn't pay that much for my dinner (I'm thinking about going back to this place tomorrow for my last dinner out), I went back to the resort, did a workout, took a shower, and now I'm working on my business before going to bed.
12 November
Okay, today I felt way better physically as well as mentally. It started pretty well with 19 degrees in my bedroom. I struggled here the first day with the air conditioning and how to turn it on, but once I got it, it was so relieving to feel that the temperature was decreasing. I slept quite well, and even when I'm impressed by the guided days, I feel forced to wake up at a certain time, be ready at a certain time, and also feel forced to get everything done that early in the morning, while focusing on my business is very important to me. I have (for example) to wake up at 5 when I need to be ready at 7:30/8 am in the morning. This schedule forces me also to go to bed early in the evening, while that's the moment when I fully get into conversation with people and work properly on my business. The biggest time scraper is getting into the messages and clearing my inbox, but I don't want to rush through them because a lot of people put effort into long texts or honest voicenotes.
Big results require big ambitions
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