And then one day, I felt slightly proud of myself that I learned so much in such a short time span
I hosted calls for the team, I showed up for myself, set goals, and tried all I could to organize my business the best in my days
I felt on fire, and running towards the life I want to live, while having contact with business partners and keeping each other accountable
Then I reached a point where I felt that I was one step ahead, but I didn't allow myself to say that, because it made me feel guilty.
So I shut my mouth, I stayed in this business relationship while I started to feel unaligned. I didn't notice it till I had a conversation with my mentor, who showed me that I needed to get in touch with people who are on the same level as I am or even higher. That would lift me, spark that fire, my motivation to go through all my blocks and set achievable steps within my business journey. I noticed she was right, but I felt so scared to show up to my business partner and be honest about the way I felt and that I was a bit further down the road.
Why is this emotion blocking me from being honest?
I don't want others to think that I feel 'better' by sharing that I'm ahead of them in a certain area. I see other people who share openly that they're ahead of others as an egocentric person who doesn't care about other human beings. Someone without emotion, self-relief and preferences, who only thinks of herself, her winner mentality, without noticing the wealth of others. I see these kinds of people as men and women without empathy, which is a character trait that I value a lot.
I don't want to be like them.
As I wrote down above, I feel negative about being proud, achieving goals and taking steps where others don't or slow down where you go fast.
I believe egocentric people can have success, but will be lonely in the end by not letting anyone in, or refusing to create that true connection and caring about one another. It's because I often noticed that the most popular girls I met in high school, or the ones who had a higher status in primary school, often walked the wrong way in society. They got addicted, smoked cigarettes, got drunk every weekend and dated the 'wrong' guys. I can see that they were popular, but very unhappy with their lives. They pretended to be someone, but lost themselves in the mask they wore to attract a lot of people. They shouted, they were rude, they laughed behind others' backs, spread rumours and were really negative about other people.
The thing they only did in the end was to overrule the feeling of lack and emptiness that was there inside, and by putting that emotion into the outer world, blaming others and pushing everything onto others, they didn't have to confront themselves with that. It's now that I see this, years and years later, but at that time I was the one they shouted at, I was the one who had to blame by BEING, I was the one who was not perfect and didn't belong to the popular group. (I'm glad I didn't)
They were so proud of themselves that it was fake, because deep down, they weren't, and I felt all of this. That's why I refuse to be proud, because I don't want to pretend to be someone else or look like a 'perfect' image, feeling deep down that I'm so unhappy and unlucky with being me that I need to fake all I do to look like I'm a good person who's the ideal woman. I just want to be me, and this whole story makes me feel like being proud is not part of that.
In the end, it all comes down to stories I told myself in the past by lived experiences and looking into situations that confirmed what I was telling myself. The way I talked to myself on a mental level became the way I felt about myself in a physical way; these feelings became emotions, which overruled my mental and bodily state and caused, in the end, what I believed to the core. The vicious cycle I describe is one we all know within a certain area or with our own specific thoughts.
The past shaped us, the way we grew up shaped our perspectives and how we look at each other, ourselves, and the world, but it's not always beneficial. Luckily, we are alive to learn, to be open to see things from another viewpoint, and to be able to shape things in our own way.
It might be said of Psychoanalysis
That if you give it your little finger
It will soon have your whole hand
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