I don't like to sit still, I don't feel comfortable when someone wants to meditate with me, have a drink, go to the cinema, or do something relaxing. It's not up to them, it's a constant rush inside of me, and even when it has been worse, especially in the period that I had my eating disorder, it still feels out of my comfort zone to do something slow.
When I look back on my life, I've always tried to run away. From others, from negative comments, from bullying, from myself, my body, and everything that is connected with it. Shortly, I wanted to run away from the life I was living, from the person I was, and from the body I had to deal with. I wasn't good enough, I didn't fit in society, and I wasn't going to become the person that would be accepted and respected in the way she was.
At least, that's what I believed, because I've been told so whole my life.
At a business event, we went through a breathwork session, and even when I didn't even want to begin, to sit down on my chair, I was surrounded by so many others that I felt like misbehaving if I stood up and walked away. I sat there, in the room, I closed my eyes and let the words from Marjenne go through my mind, my body, into my gut. And that's where it got stuck.
I got flashbacks, all the way to the earlier stages of the bullying, the teasing, the poking in my belly, and the people laughing in my face. In an impulse, I wanted to stand up, pick up my jacket, go outside, and run away. I didn't want to go back to that situation. The pain, the discomfort of being me. But I didn't. I didn't want to shake the others up or get them in an uncomfortable state. So there I was, sitting on my chair, in the worst of my emotions, but playing the hard game with myself.
I forced, I blew my mind, I told myself to stay, that the environment, the people, the atmosphere, the vibe, was different. Nothing will ever be the same as it was, because those people are not here anymore, I'm not that girl anymore, and I learned a lot about myself and life in the meantime, that I didn't know back then. It was tough, it was difficult, and for a certain, I didn't hear Marjenne speaking anymore. I wasn't at peace, I was fighting against myself, against my anxieties, and kicking the fear of staying there in the room, in my body.
Finally, after a quarter, there was the end of the session. I survived, I dealt with myself, I didn't feel great, but I was still there, and I took a step forward. What I thought was the truth: the people now surrounding me are totally different; they know imperfection is perfection, uniqueness is special, and everyone may be proud and worthy of sharing their story. I went through all of the mindset blocks about myself. I still have some of them popping up from time to time, but I know it's worth looking at it, straight in my face, going against, and seeing real results.
If that wasn't yet a moment to run away from myself, there happened another opportunity that I couldn't see coming on the horizon. I was standing in the back of the room, because on the first day I sat on a chair but could barely see everyone properly or the speakers on stage, because I'm not that tall. So I decided to stretch my legs on the second day and stand in the back.
Just after lunch and before the midday program kicked off I dared to step up to one of the top leaders in our organisation and talk to him about the way he spoke at the last event in Riga, the way he hit me, and made me relfect on my life and sharing my story in kind of like a different way, a vulnerable way, an honest way. I shared my gratitude for him being there and making me feel small against myself, but also empowered to show others what I have to show them, and make them feel worthy to tell their life story too.
After our conversation, he got on stage and did his speech again about how we as human beings all go through life, having our own story, but holding ourselves back to share it, because we think we're not worthy of sharing, or that others are having a story that's way more expressive, amazing, or outstanding. It's the limiting belief we have in ourselves, the way we think about who we are, what we've been learning while we were growing up, and now feel about ourselves and the way we speak the truth.
For a sudden, he said: I just shared this with someone, and I'd love to know from her what her experience was with being open, honest, going out and sharing her story with the world. Who was that girl with whom I was talking in the back?
'O sh*t!', I thought. That was me.
So the girl next to me, who carried the microphone, pushed it into my hands, and I didn't have any time to think about it, feeling scared of speaking in front of so many people, and I got to share what I've been telling him a couple of minutes earlier and spreading my message and value. When I now reflect on it, it's better not to know that this would happen. I'm sure I would be really nervous to know on the forehand that I would talk to so many people on my own, into the microphone, but I hadn't foreseen it, so it was just me, talking, and sharing what I needed to share.
In both situations, I could have run away, but I didn't. Because if I had run away, I would have run away from my future self, from a life in which I feel aligned, empowered, free, and abundant. I would run away from a group of amazing people who finally give me what I searched for in life:
A place, a space to be myself by heart, and be accepted the way I am
I'm proud I stayed there, to show what's possible if you keep believing, dreaming, showing up, and taking consistent action
Reactie plaatsen
Reacties