The 3rd of November 2025
At 10:25 (exactly right on time), the airplane was ready for takeoff for the first of the two flights, which will bring me to Cambodia. We're heading over to Singapore, and there's always something about the moment the wheels of the plane take off the ground. The moment the motors start rotating, the speed of the aircraft increases, and my back gets pushed into the seat. I lean back, look outside, and think about the fact that I'm going, even on a longer flight than last year.
Cambodia, a country with a broken history, a genocide, which left a lot of destroyed parts after the Vietnam War. I'm curious how I will feel there. I guess pretty small, but also very grateful and blessed to have grown up where I have grown up, to be in a healthy state now, to fully grab back on a life that I couldn't imagine myself a couple of years ago.
When I look back on those evenings, the days after work back in the Corona lockdown, I feel lost, lonely, and broken. My job was the only way to have social connections, while I still had so many anxieties, and I didn't have the guts to change it. I couldn't trust people outside, I couldn't trust the government, which was hiding a lot from all of us, I could feel it all, and that made me feel even more lost.
Fortunately, that time ended, but it also left its scars and questions.
The biggest one was for myself: What am I going to do with my life?
If I want a change, the first thing I need to change is myself. And I did this. I wanted to get out of the inner web, the world to which I clinged myself. Yes, my eating disorder shaped a lot inside of me, but I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not the one who's hiding. I'm not the pleasing one. I'm not the one who's waiting.
To get on the plane, get my ass off the couch, to really DO something, meant a lot to me. I proved to myself that I have the guts to do this, that I'm capable of going away on my own, that I can handle it, make connections, and even when times get tough, I would see the sun on the horizon every evening.
And now I'm going, again, not as that tiny girl I once was. As a woman, a business mentor, on my way to a life in which I choose where to be, where to help, who to support, and to surround myself with. I've always questioned myself if I was good enough, and why? Now I see it wasn't about me, it was a false picture that I thought was perfect, but what is and will never be. I see others following their paths, and I follow mine.
Let me repeat the reason WHY I share all of this: building a business and traveling on my own. It's all to show you what is possible, that I crawled through the dark side of life, struggling with not fitting in society's standards, not wanting to live a 'normal' life, not looking perfect. I'm up on the ladder to take it back, to follow my path, no matter what others will think. I want to be surrounded by people who respect and love me the way I am and to give back to them what they give me.
And I know, I'm not the only one who feels this way. If you read this, I know that there's a part of my story with you. I want to inspire people, you, to start choosing for yourself, for life, to create something that truly matters. If I didn't do this, to take the step in choosing myself, my life in the first place, I can't show you what is all possible. I would fill broccoli in my second job till I retire, being unhappy, feeling unaccepted, locked out of the world, the beauty of our planet, and truly stepping into what I value; helping you to do the same.
My heart starts pounding when I see the spark that illuminates in others' eyes, as they tell me that by showing my life so purely, it inspires them to think about what truly fills their hearts, to be open to transformation, change their lives for the better, and to take that step.
My recovery journey was my first step in this life transformation, but to fully break free, I have to let go of what's left of that. And as a last piece to fit into the puzzle, I committed to the goal I set myself already from day 1: Not restricting myself anymore in any kind of way, if you talk about food and old habits.
I still noticed that some of my choices were still based on what I thought to be safe: soups, salads without dressing, plain, and raw fruits and vegetables. However, in most cases, I didn't even want that meal, or I did want that meal, but with all of the extras on top of that. Somewhere within myself I was still scared to gain weight, and I still know that I compare myself a lot with other girls on the street, and that insecurity is now blocking me to reach out to some people because when I'm limiting myself, when I'll keep on compairing and feeling 'less' I'll never step into my power to be fully seen as an independent woman, a business owner, an entrepreneur. So I pushed myself to stay committed to what I wanted in life, and put the effort behind it like I do by showing up for my business.
I went to a nice and lovely garden café, and for the first time I had the guts to order a matcha-strawberry latte. Earlier on, that would just have been a coffee, tea, or some water. And yes, I noticed a lot of thoughts and doubts on the inside, options to change to something else, but this was what I wanted, and I stuck to it.
In the evening, the same happened at dinner; I was looking for a salad, but couldn't find a vegan option, then looked for a soup, but noticed that there would be rice in it (I don't like rice, even when I know I'm in the part of the world where it's the most consumed). I wanted to eat everything I would order. Then I noticed something I hadn't eaten for a while: stir-fried food and spring rolls. There were 2 options: summer rolls and stir-fried. The ingredients were slightly different, and I liked the stir-fried option the most by reading the menu. Again, that thought in my mind was there to choose the soup or ask for a salad without rice on the side, but I truly felt that I wanted the spring rolls for dinner, so I pushed myself. I think it has been 10 years since I've been eating something fried, and I did feel a bit doubtful at the start, also questioning myself about what would happen. But I know I'm not going to gain weight or not that much, and that I may allow myself to live, to live without my own limitations, restrictions, and without the rules and opinions of someone else.
Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear?
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