Wednesday 5 November
Just like I set my mind to, I do wake up every morning on time to have a full hour to work on my business, and set everything in place to run throughout the day, while I'm going on an adventure. This morning I had to wake up at 5:30 am, and for me that's totally something different from my normal routine, while I always wake up at 9 am, because in my normal job I work the latest shifts and afterwards work on my business till deep in the night.
I started with a workout, listened to a podcast, drank tea, took my vitamins, cleared my inbox, and planned all I had to do like I do at home.
To be honest, even when I complete the same tasks as when I'm in the Netherlands, I feel like I miss out on something. It should be the difference within the environment, I guess, together with me being really organised and already having planned a lot before getting on the plane.
Today I felt like a Hollywood star, Lara Croft 2.0, because I've been to the temple complex of Angkor Wat. If you know the famous movie Tomb Raider, have seen Angeline Jolie acting the adventurous woman, well, I felt like being her today and stepped into the set where a scene had been recorded for the movie. It was amazing to see the old temples, to hear about the history, and see what's all been left. Even after the Vietnam War. I could have been making photos the whole day, but they would all look like one another.
What struck me most was the traffic and the drive-by tuk-tuk. I thought it was really funny, but I've been confronted with thoughts, anxieties, and restlessness. I thought of the people on the streets, the Asian culture, and compared myself to the other women with a negative outcome. I felt uncomfortable within my body, and the fact that I had to wear long trousers didn't work out.
I struggled a lot. I didn't want to give up, but I tried to look at it from another perspective. I didn't look like the women on the street. I'm not perfect in the way they are, but the way I am & not getting fat, because I sit still for a while in a tuk-tuk. Still, it was kinda hard while driving to the last temple. I could have been crying so hard, because I felt very bad in my body and wanted to step out of it.
I hated myself, noticed in the past that 'to stop eating' was the best way to go, but now I realize that I didn't want to fall into that trap anymore. I went for dinner again, against my anxieties and limiting beliefs about what would happen. It wasn't easy, and I hadn't imagined that these old thoughts were still inside of me. When you're at home, in your comfort space, your safe zone, you feel like you can handle the whole world, but it's about the challenges you take, the way you dare to step out of the bubble, and see what's deep inside. For me, these blocks are the key to unlocking a lot of confidence that was still not on the surface. I tried a lot of things over the last period: reading about personal development, going deep into my 'why' about the way I want to transform my life, positively talking to myself, blocking everyone's negativity, empowering myself every morning with affirmations, and taking the time to reflect. Still, there was a wall that I couldn't smash through, and I feel this trip is the key to take the hammer and break it down.
Thursday, the 6th of November
To be honest, I was exhausted yesterday evening when I wanted to write things down in my journal. When I have the lights on here, and I'm sitting on my bed in front of my screen, suddenly, my eyes are closing, and I'm nodding. I can't do a thing about it. I'm tired of all the impressions, but I do want to prove to myself that I have the discipline to spend enough time on my business.
It was the heat that kicked in, together with the inner battle throughout the day, which cost me so much energy that I haven't felt this tired earlier on. Overall, it was a massive day in all different kinds of directions. I faced a lot inside, but did it anyway!
Bravery does not mean being fearless.
When you are scared to do something, but do it anyway
That is the true meaning of being brave
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